if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
