Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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