I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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