I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
