John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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