I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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