I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
