I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
