I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
