I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
