Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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