it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Why is your signature on my underwear?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
