Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
