it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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