a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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