apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just pee around me
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
