well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we made out on top of his cat.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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