I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Someone signed my nipple.
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