Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Couch. On fire.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
