you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
