I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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