Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
