I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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