You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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