the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
