I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
