The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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