I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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