I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
