My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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