My hair reeks of homosexuality.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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