The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
