I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
