i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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