i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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