no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
