Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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