Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
