i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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