oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
