Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
