I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My vagina just clenched in fear
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