Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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