You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
