If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
