He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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