Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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