Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
