you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
