woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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