tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Pants are for mortals
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