I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
