You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
