We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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