I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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