i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
